Raise your glass....or wait....

I've stated before.... my foster sister is staying with us.... still, but with some not so gentle coaxing she moved into the guest room.... (THANK YOU GOD!!!) and that is all well and good... however, she is a total Vegan, which is fine, and dandy, but... I however am not, but I might as well be (I don't eat red meat nor do I consume dairy.... ANYWAY!) she has even gone so far as to make her own deodorant, laundry soap, etc... which to me is a bit much, yeah? And she is trying to get me on the Vegan band wagon, which I would be all for, but I am not going to take dieting tips from a girl who throws up after every meal and I realize this is a mental disorder, which I have never suffered from I have a fear of throwing up... I hate it, I even hate the way it sounds. So anyway she recently she found out that an Internet friend of hers/livejournal community members committed suicide. Now, I didn't get all the details out of her, but today she just kept saying "it could have been any of us, it could have been me." (as she was sitting at a bar at noon drinking a double gin and tonic). I never discount the validity of Internet friends because some of my closest friends have come from the Internet but I have actually met them... Ally we will meet eventually (I am going up to Dallas in August to see my friends band so maybe then?). But, the thing is she never met this young lady who killed herself... And while I realize it is a deeply traumatic thing to deal with, NEVER say "it could have been me" because I know you, and you my friend are just looking for attention.

Anyway, the point of that story, was when we got back from our errand running, poured herself ANOTHER gin and tonic (that brings it a total of 4 because she technically had 3 at the Pub we were at) went out onto the balcony, got on the phone and started smoking her cigarettes (which she smokes in my car, so now my car smells like an ashtray along with my what was clean hair..... UGH: Note to my reader(s?) I'm not a smoker nor is Mal so the smell of cigarettes gets to me). So as soon as she pries her phone away from her ear (for a while I thought it was going to become attached...) she walks inside, sits at our computer (which we just had to upgrade to a new one because mine laptop was like 10 years old) and starts listening to depressing music while I was trying to watch TV. So.... I went into my room and took a nap with Mal while she wallowed in her mood.

We wake up and she is falling asleep at the little computer desk, so I put her to bed, but before I do that I offer to get her some water and some food, she just looks at me and says nothing.....I give up on trying to help people.....

I've become THAT girl....

I have to get out of this funk y'all, I feel like it's almost crippling. I haven't gone to the gym in 2 weeks, I feel like I have put on 15 pounds, which ya know if this were winter it would be okay, but we're are getting into the summer months and this 15 pounds of funk is NOT working for me. Now back in 2007 I packed on a massive 45 pounds... I went from weighing about 120 to about 160 maybe. And that was only because I was ill... So now that I am healthy (well for the most part) I have no excuse except for the fact that I am in a total funk.... And I take stock of the things I have in my life and there are good... I have a wonderful and I do mean wonderful boyfriend (man-friend?), my parents are supporting my choice to temporarily leave school in order to get my head on straight, and I have a network or great friends. So, why do I feel this way? Maybe because I have gained 15 pounds, ok maybe it's not THAT much but it feels like it, I have no idea, I have a good paying job but the job itself sucks, along with the people at the job, especially the girl who likes to ogle my man-friend...which is totally different blog all together.

So, tomorrow I am going to get my butt off my couch and go back to the gym because I know Mal wants his work out buddy back and I would like to look good in a two piece by Memorial Day weekend....

I was not prepared for this AT all!

So on Thursday I had a full on mental break down, complete with a panic attack of epic proportions... I even had to sit down and put my head between my knees... Fun stuff huh? Not exactly. Upon calming down, I did something I didn't want to do but knew I had to do, if that makes sense... I decided it would be in my best interest to take a temporary leave of absence from school, even though my heart was (and still is) in school 110% my head was nowhere near clear enough to cut and color hair everyday on top of working 40 plus hours a week. I do plan on going back, I just can't go back to evenings, I'll have to go during the day which means I will have to quit my current job when the time comes. I told my parents about the aforementioned break down and received nothing but support from them. So, being the big baby that I am, I asked my mom if I could come stay at their house for the weekend and she of course said "yes by all means" so I am now sitting on my parents couch, listening to a criminal minds marathon trying to think of anything but my breakdown. The only positive that has come out of this is all the sleep I caught up on over the weekend, I was asleep by 8:45 on Friday.... because a. I'm old and b. I am was just simply exhausted.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking..... "Did you just like leave like 'peace out bitches' style or what?" No I didn't do that, I withdrew the proper way, that when I go back I won't lose my financial aid or all my hours because I was half way through the cosmetology program. I plan on practicing so I don't lose my skills so when I go back I will be that much better..... I'm not sure why I felt the need to justify this or tell you this but maybe once I get my head clear and things sorted out I will be better, but at the moment I need time to just.... I don't know be alone and think about everything? Mal understands and is being very supportive. I just hope the rest of my family is as understanding and supportive as my boyfriend, mom and dad.....