Raise your glass....or wait....

I've stated before.... my foster sister is staying with us.... still, but with some not so gentle coaxing she moved into the guest room.... (THANK YOU GOD!!!) and that is all well and good... however, she is a total Vegan, which is fine, and dandy, but... I however am not, but I might as well be (I don't eat red meat nor do I consume dairy.... ANYWAY!) she has even gone so far as to make her own deodorant, laundry soap, etc... which to me is a bit much, yeah? And she is trying to get me on the Vegan band wagon, which I would be all for, but I am not going to take dieting tips from a girl who throws up after every meal and I realize this is a mental disorder, which I have never suffered from I have a fear of throwing up... I hate it, I even hate the way it sounds. So anyway she recently she found out that an Internet friend of hers/livejournal community members committed suicide. Now, I didn't get all the details out of her, but today she just kept saying "it could have been any of us, it could have been me." (as she was sitting at a bar at noon drinking a double gin and tonic). I never discount the validity of Internet friends because some of my closest friends have come from the Internet but I have actually met them... Ally we will meet eventually (I am going up to Dallas in August to see my friends band so maybe then?). But, the thing is she never met this young lady who killed herself... And while I realize it is a deeply traumatic thing to deal with, NEVER say "it could have been me" because I know you, and you my friend are just looking for attention.

Anyway, the point of that story, was when we got back from our errand running, poured herself ANOTHER gin and tonic (that brings it a total of 4 because she technically had 3 at the Pub we were at) went out onto the balcony, got on the phone and started smoking her cigarettes (which she smokes in my car, so now my car smells like an ashtray along with my what was clean hair..... UGH: Note to my reader(s?) I'm not a smoker nor is Mal so the smell of cigarettes gets to me). So as soon as she pries her phone away from her ear (for a while I thought it was going to become attached...) she walks inside, sits at our computer (which we just had to upgrade to a new one because mine laptop was like 10 years old) and starts listening to depressing music while I was trying to watch TV. So.... I went into my room and took a nap with Mal while she wallowed in her mood.

We wake up and she is falling asleep at the little computer desk, so I put her to bed, but before I do that I offer to get her some water and some food, she just looks at me and says nothing.....I give up on trying to help people.....

I've become THAT girl....

I have to get out of this funk y'all, I feel like it's almost crippling. I haven't gone to the gym in 2 weeks, I feel like I have put on 15 pounds, which ya know if this were winter it would be okay, but we're are getting into the summer months and this 15 pounds of funk is NOT working for me. Now back in 2007 I packed on a massive 45 pounds... I went from weighing about 120 to about 160 maybe. And that was only because I was ill... So now that I am healthy (well for the most part) I have no excuse except for the fact that I am in a total funk.... And I take stock of the things I have in my life and there are good... I have a wonderful and I do mean wonderful boyfriend (man-friend?), my parents are supporting my choice to temporarily leave school in order to get my head on straight, and I have a network or great friends. So, why do I feel this way? Maybe because I have gained 15 pounds, ok maybe it's not THAT much but it feels like it, I have no idea, I have a good paying job but the job itself sucks, along with the people at the job, especially the girl who likes to ogle my man-friend...which is totally different blog all together.

So, tomorrow I am going to get my butt off my couch and go back to the gym because I know Mal wants his work out buddy back and I would like to look good in a two piece by Memorial Day weekend....

I was not prepared for this AT all!

So on Thursday I had a full on mental break down, complete with a panic attack of epic proportions... I even had to sit down and put my head between my knees... Fun stuff huh? Not exactly. Upon calming down, I did something I didn't want to do but knew I had to do, if that makes sense... I decided it would be in my best interest to take a temporary leave of absence from school, even though my heart was (and still is) in school 110% my head was nowhere near clear enough to cut and color hair everyday on top of working 40 plus hours a week. I do plan on going back, I just can't go back to evenings, I'll have to go during the day which means I will have to quit my current job when the time comes. I told my parents about the aforementioned break down and received nothing but support from them. So, being the big baby that I am, I asked my mom if I could come stay at their house for the weekend and she of course said "yes by all means" so I am now sitting on my parents couch, listening to a criminal minds marathon trying to think of anything but my breakdown. The only positive that has come out of this is all the sleep I caught up on over the weekend, I was asleep by 8:45 on Friday.... because a. I'm old and b. I am was just simply exhausted.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking..... "Did you just like leave like 'peace out bitches' style or what?" No I didn't do that, I withdrew the proper way, that when I go back I won't lose my financial aid or all my hours because I was half way through the cosmetology program. I plan on practicing so I don't lose my skills so when I go back I will be that much better..... I'm not sure why I felt the need to justify this or tell you this but maybe once I get my head clear and things sorted out I will be better, but at the moment I need time to just.... I don't know be alone and think about everything? Mal understands and is being very supportive. I just hope the rest of my family is as understanding and supportive as my boyfriend, mom and dad.....

Uh.... No BUENO at ALL!!!!

So, let me just say I am a pretty generous person. Not to toot my own little horn, but I am not very selfish and very rarely have I ever put myself before anyone else (maybe that's my problem?). Well, I live in a 2 bedroom apartment, which most girls would convert the extra room into a HUGE walk in closet, but my bedroom already has one because I have way TOO many purses and shoes.... ANYWAY, I have a guest room, that's very inviting and very comfy bed. Which brings me to post this... my foster sister recently moved back into SA from Pipe Creek (about 45 minutes west of SA) so she asked me "Can I stay with you?" I said "Sure, but I'm not home a lot and Wednesday thru Sunday afternoon Mal stays with me or vice versa." She said "that's cool." So, when I came home for lunch yesterday I was in UTTER shock and AWE to see her asleep NOT in the guest room, BUT in MY room in MY bed!!!! If this were my mom or biological sister or even sister in laws I'd still have A HUGE issue with this, you do not come into someone's home and sleep in their bed when there is a perfectly good guest room down the hall!!!! I told Mal this last night and I literally thought I was going to have to pick his jaw up off the floor. So, this morning when we left for work, I made sure to lock the bedroom door, a.) to keep the cats out and b.) to keep the foster sister out. So, she text me when she got home from work "Is everything ok? Your bedroom door is locked" Uh yeah to keep you out..... UGH!!!!

Lent, wedding bells and the (big) bang theory.

Today marks the official start to the Lenten season. Now, traditionally you're suppose to give up something for 40 days & 40 nights... Only problem is, I've already given up dairy (yup, Ice Cream, yogurt, milk shakes, cheese, etc it gives me tummy troubles), meat (particularly beef and pork), and refined sugar (I do use sugar, but I use raw sugar and/or Sweet 'n Lo). One year I tried giving up cussing (which worked up until about day 5) and last year I gave up candy (yeah, that sounded like a good idea). So this year? I'm giving up spending my money uselessly. Granted I've been doing well so far this year, I used a big chunk of my income tax return to make a double car payment and pay my rent, the rest? It's in my IRA because I'd like to be financially secure for the rest of my life.

So, those in my inner circle know that I am not a serial dater, my relationships tend to last a long time and have all but one ended decently (and by decent I mean my ex's and I remain friends, and the one who didn't? Well.... he's an idiot). But, it took me by surprise when Mal mentioned the idea of us getting married in the future... now keep in mind we don't even live together yet... nor did he mention how much in the future this will take place. He could find some Australian hottie when he goes back home for 3 weeks next month (let's hope he doesn't!!) I just hope he decides to come back because a.)I don't do long distance (anymore) and b.)I love him. Yes, I said it, I love him.

And, for some reason on Monday, I got a wild hair up my ass and decided...."I need bangs!" not my typical side-swipe bangs, but blut bangs... Think Grace Potter or Zooey Deschanel. And NOW all of a sudden everyone and I do mean everyone keeps asking me "You darkened your hair, didn't you?" Mmm nope, I did put lowlights in it like a month ago, that have since faded because 97% natural hair color FADES! But I have not colored my hair in over a month. So no, I did not darken my hair, I just cut my bangs, which apparently makes my eyes looks different and my hair look darker? Whooda Thunk?

"To Do's" that turn into "To Don'ts"

My "To Do" List this weekend included most if not all of the following: *=what I actually marked off my "To Do" list...
1. Defrost Freezer (when did I become my mother?)
2. Clean out closet (I'll give myself half a * because I cleaned out my shoes)
3. Clean out refrigerator.*
4. Wash sheets/re-make bed.*
5. Clean guest room (aka: the junk room...yeeah that may not ever happen).
6. Organize make-up table.*
7. Go to grocery store.*
8. Gym. (I have no excuse for not going, I just plain didn't want to).
9. Clean out purse.*
10. Clean bathroom.*
11. Vacuum.* (OK, call me crazy, but I LOVE to vacuum, and even more crazy, I vacuum in heels....)
12. Pay cable bill.*
13. LAUNDRY!!!*
14. Call TSO to set up eye exam. (I REALLY need new glasses/contacts, but I REALLY don't want to have pupils dialated.)
15. Start/finish report for school.

So, I got 8 out of the 15 things on my list done (all done yesterday) and had a lovely Saturday with the awesome Miss Jen, managed to give myself a manicure, wax my eyebrows and cut Mal's hair and flip through InStyle and Glamour.... So it was all in all a pretty productive weekend.. I guess this weekend will include me tackling my freezer and finally cleaning out my closet and going over to my mom's to do her hair and maybe go see "Red Riding Hood". Or maybe I'll set up an eye exam.... Better to see everything for SxSW weekend!!! Anyway, I hope everyone is having a LOVELY day so far and I hope everyone had a great weekend. Now, I'm off to search for a Coke Zero so I can make it through the rest of my LONG day!!

My that's a lovely shade of green....

So, I don't consider myself the jealous type.... However, it's hard to not feel a tinge of jealousy when your baby sister is getting married in less than a year, got a full scholarship to a private (Catholic- the parents LOVE that!) university, and has a 4.0 GPA in said university..... and me, I'm going to beauty school... and doing well in... but the rents seem to forget that I have a Bachelor's degree in English and minored in Biology which isn't easy to do... I'm not anywhere close to walking down the isle.. and truth be told I'm not sure I want to get married... I'm too busy working M-F, working on weekends AND going to school... all while trying to juggle a relationship and praying my period isn't a no show on a monthly basis, because as much as I want babies, it would be devastating news if I got pregnant right now. So, at the moment I am feeling a bit jealous of my sister, I hate that I can't express to my mom how I feel, because when my sister's fiance showed up asking my parents permission I was there, and my mom said to me... "I don't want you to get jealous" ouch! That stung just a little bit, don't get me wrong I am happy for my sister she deserves it, but at the same time I almost feel like it should be me that's being praised and have girls fawning over a pretty ring on my left hand... not the birthstone ring on my right hand (not to say I'm an ungrateful asshole, because I love that ring.) So, is my bit of jealousy justifiable or am I do I just have a case of "batting in the wrong order" syndrome?

Both my sister in laws who are totally awesome, have assured me the way I'm feeling will in fact... ya know pass, but in the back of my mind I keep thinking "I'm pushing 30, my boyfriend is 35 (who am I kidding, he's a man-friend), we're not talking marriage, we JUST tackled the idea of living together and kids are a possibility-- a very slight one at that." I feel like eventually if he and I are together long enough we'll have that "Big" and Carrie moment where he says "I wouldn't mind being married to you, if you wouldn't mind being married to me." Like we're closing a 10-year in the making business deal....MINUS the Blahnicks and HUGE walk-in closet.....

Though content with what I have in my life, supportive net of amazing friends, great man-friend, a cat whose loyalty trumps any dogs and a good head on my shoulders, part of me wants that dream wedding with a big white dress and everyone in awe of how gorgeous I look walking down the isle... Maybe it'll happen.... someday... I'm remaining hopeful.